Marriage counselling advice (English)

[anette]

Hi there

I need a marriage counselling advice.

I am married for 1.5 years and we moved in 4 years ago. Each of us has a kid from previous marriage.

My husband supports local football club. he goes to football almost very Saturday. My step daughter also has season ticket, but only goes on occasion. Last time my husband invited me or my son to football with him 2-3 years ago, never since we moved to his town 2.5 years ago.

The weather is bad now and lots if home matches were cancelled. We have a huge flat screen TV at home and on Wednesday he invited few people who watch football with him to see an important away game together. There was a lot of snow and only one local woman made it. She is a beauty. She called my husband "sweetheart" and immediately new where the ground floor toilet was. Through the conversation it appeared that she has a sit far from him, but get invited to sit next when our girl cannot make it.

I managed civil pizza evening and a night sex but got totally mad the day after. I have got two completely opposite advices from two friends. One told me to look sexy, be nice and ask to go to football next time. Another said I have to be mean and rude and make it dam clear that is not acceptable.

Next day I did pretty much the later. Could not really be nice to this asshole. Hate him. Had already similar experiences involving his ex-wife who got drunk and flirtatious and they both wanted keeping socialising s I had to watch this in repeat mode till had totally enough. Althrough I would love to save the marriage, but I do not trust the man and perhaps never did or will.

It is not about him having an affair, which I hope he does not. it is about him beng not able to act as an adult, seeing situations which can hurt me and protecting me. And also being in control of his own urges. He now refuses to believe he stoped inviting us to join him at football, even after we had cancelling after one of the previous issues when agreed there is a need to do more together.

Any advice welcome (nobody else writes in English here anyway, so you may have little escape)

[skm]

Well, I personally can't really give an advice, but I have a few comments.

Some men never grow up enough to control their urges. I don't think you can force him to.

You don't have to act nice after you were made to feel uncomfortable. At the very least you should let him know his behavior makes you feel that way.


And one question - how did you find out about this sweetheart calling and next-to-him-sitting beauty? I didn't quite get it from your story. Were you there at the time and witnessed it yourself you did anybody from the invited crowd tell you afterwards?

[anette]

Sweetheart - I simply heard her saying when he offered drink.

Sitting next to him - I asked next day and he confrimed. That was pretty obvious from what I know anyway. He invited people who watch football with him. all places are reseved for years. She was abroad 2 yars ago, so she wont be able to get a close sit. She could only take my step dauther sit when available.
it is not just sitting next to him. it is him inviting her to sit next to him when the place is available.

I would not ask others, main reson - brother of his fist wife is one of them. I would not want that lot to know we have problems.

[anette]

how did I find out??? She came to my home to watch the bloody football with my mentally sick husband

[anette]

nobody else turned up. so there were four of us - my husband, I, the beauty and our 11 years old child. The girl missed her bed story. I usually read, she like myself did not want to leave them two alone and went to bed with no story so I can be there at all times. kids feel these things.

[anette]

I do not want a man who cant control his urges. I want no men if they all are the same. just as simple. and he knows. I wont wash myself for three days and f-k he find me wearing anything nearly sexy for the rest of this f-king marriage

[skm]

I'm sort of unsure how close a relationship "sweetheart" implies... but anyway, what is the main cause for you to feel bad?

Is it the fact that he doesn't invite you and your son?

Or is it beautiful woman calling him a sweetheart? Which probably isn't his fault.

The fact that he did invite her and let her sit next to him? And underlying, though not observed, flirting.

[skm]

anette,

I think I get it now.
So it's 3 of you watching football this evening: you, your husband and this woman.
And she calls him sweetheart and he invites her to sit next to him.
And you have to just sit there and try to keep your cool face on.

[anette]

the most hurting is that he does not realise that he makes choices to exclude me. He was making this choice for two years now. and all this time I hear this bulshit about his love. When you love you want to be with the one you love. He asked me to see football 3 years ago and never thought to ask since. My son is coming from uni, this is not a home town for him, he needs to find friends. Why not take him to football? What my husband declares is not what is in his heart or mind. That what bothers me. His love is bulshit because is there a choice to make it is not me, or the family he is choosing.

any women can take him on his balls and drive anywhere she wants. Is is a kid with no brain power. and I hate that. and him.
that choice he made not once, not twice, but every Saturday for two years. and still that is a surprise??? as he does not realise that. F----king nut

[Girl Anna]

I am sorry for interrupting your dialogue, but I think I know some advice.
It is really very unpleasant to find out such things, but you need to be strong! You can talk to him about the situation, remind him about YOU, tell him about your emotions - wishing him to understand. If he understands, everything will be good in time. Another way - just become strong, men are sometimes so ... so, so, so inattentive to women who are with them.
Be strong - you' ll overcome it!!

[anette]

[Girl Anna]

It is very hard to keep your face cool in such situation - but your conversation ( with him) is the real way out. If he doesn't HEAR YOU after it, it will bring you understanding of his attitude - and some other variants of your actions.

[Girl Anna]

It is very hard to keep your face cool in such situation - but your conversation ( with him) is the real way out. If he doesn't HEAR YOU after it, it will bring you understanding of his attitude - and some other variants of your actions.

[Dr. House]

Шура, если вы уж ОКОНЧАТЕЛЬНО перешли на французский язык, то не путайте артикли и не опускайте личные местоимения, иначе я уструю из вашего поста урок грамматики.

[anette]

ага. он мне теперь билет купил. на футбол. типа я буду теперь туда ходить. чтоб его стереч.

я лучше встречусь с одним из своих старых знакомых по интересам а потом в дом его притащу общаться и дружить. одинокого мужика естественно.

[Girl Anna]

Как я понимаю, тут или чтоб человек понимал, до чего доводят его действия окружающих его близких - и если он их ценит, то изменится. Все могут меняться, только если хотят. Или по его же принципу поступить разок-второй... привести тоже гостей. Кто знает, как правильно. Одно точно - главное это не давать себе скиснуть от такого его поведения, научиться с этим бороться - вы же сильная!!!

[anette]

по поводу изменица. все ниже

[anette]

по поводу изменица. полезное чтение про мужика который пил и жену бил а теперь вернуть ее хочет. еще про созависимость по теме тоже.

изменица это когда у человека сознание контролирует поведение. он тогда может решения принимать и им следовать. такой механизм изменения.

А челокек которым движет слабость или гормон. 150 причин найдет сабе самому почему надо так именно поступить опять. и НЕ ИЗМЕНИЦА он.

вопрос тока времени когда его партнер гавна наелся и больше не лезет. хотя тот партнер кто в созависимость впадет и верит что изменение возможно, в тех невообразимое количесто гавна влезает. сама видела.

[Girl Anna]

Так должен быть какой-то выход! Если не изменится он, может можете изменить свое отношение Вы? Другой вопрос насколько вы сами этого хотите и готовы. как-то же решить можно, я надеюсь.

[anette]

не верю ему и не поверю. ваще для меня эта способность вытеснения событий из головы и поведение гормональное пугает. недочеловеки какие то, сами не знают че творят.

когда он передо мной с бывшей женой своей скакал у меня еще хуже были реакции пока не установили режим - я ее не вижу ни при каких обстоятельтвах. уверена так до сих пор и скачут когда ребенка передают, тока теперь на глазах ее хахаля не на моих.

на футбол я вовек теперь не пойду. мне мой покой дороже чем его член. хочет интрижку пускай имеет. но только а он МОЗГИ мои имеет все время и это самое противное.

[Girl Anna]

Вот это правильно - насчет собствееного спокойствия!Будет спокойствие, можно будет трезво смотреть на вещи и жить не *** во все это, не запутываясь во всем этом... .
Он волен делать свой выбор.... Что ж поделать если так себя ведет, сколько подобных случаев!... (((
Главное вам найти оптимальную линию поведения, вы сами это знаете Для себя.
А может просто изолироваться ненадолго от него.

[anette]

я уже сто раз сказала ему. качество моей жизни мне дороже всего. а качество заключаеся в детях моих хорошей жизни и спокойствии моем собствнном. его любовь и секс с ним может быть приложением, но заменой не может быть это уж точно.

пусть же хочет делает чтоб только я не видела и не знала. как только увижу или узнаю соберу чемодан и видел он меня. мне книжки писать в сто раз интереснее чем с ним лясы разводить. так он не изменяет мне а будет держать в няпряжении с бабьем своим. а мне это хуже смерти. нервотреп один.

надоело бесица как марионетка под его дудочку. а что изменица он не верю я. знаю просто - не изменица. такая же как он ему нужна тета гормональная - переспали по пьяни - любовь нас настигла, давай друг друга истязать сопрягающимися чувствам - ревность там и зависть и неневисть и все остальное гавно.

а мне покой нужен и одной в покое лучше мне чем с членом но без покоя.

[Андрей Булатов]

Во даёт Анетка!

Ты всё с тем же борешься? У него ещё, вроде, как помню, глисты были, с армии привёз...

[anette]

не андрюшка, глисты были у бобслеиста. я его покинула ради карманного и за карманного после долгих мучений замуж вышла. теперь дальше мучаюсь уже в официальном формате.

сам то как? (нашла знак вопроса - номер 7)

[Андрей Булатов]

Да я всё корабль строю, на котором по Ангаре, по северным морям приплыву к тебе в Туманный Альбион.

А ты, как вижу, не ждёшь меня....